Memoirs Part 2

Travis and I sat around with the boys in senior hall for a few minutes, before we ventured on with the rest of the sign up procedures. I had to pick my classes, get my photo for my student id (the photographer has some magic trick where he makes everyone look like there from an episode of Saved by the Bell) and then we were on our way back for Travis’s birthday party.
It was an overwhelming experience meeting the extended family of the Armstrong’s and I hope they forgive me for not remembering all their names now but it was a long time ago, a time when I still retained a few more brain cells too. If you can imagine the Beverly Hillbillies in modern times, that’s a bit what it was like, an Aunty that’s a career Walmart employee, a female cousin decked out in Denim overalls, a Grandma from Georgia who comes close to the sweetest person I’ve ever met in my life (she kind of reminded me of the Granny off Sylvester and Tweety Bird), and a bunch of Jerry Springeresque males talking about the 6-point Deer they nearly shot last weekend on a hunting trip in Eastern Washington. As overwhelming as it was, until that point in my life I had never felt more comfortable with any group of people.
The first few weeks of my stay went by in a blur, hanging out with the family and kicking it with the boys, including my first introduction to Washington weed. If memory serves, it was Alan, Josh, Kyle and I; we’d taken off just before lunch started at school. Alan came from a wealthier family and had got a old school Cadillac coupe, leather interior, electric seats and one of the loudest stereo systems I have ever heard, well until I got back to Melbourne and started doing “Chap laps”. We were round at Josh’s cousins place, and they loaded up the bong with some stuff they called “White Rhino”, now I have never considered myself an expert on smoking protocol not even back then when smoking was the norm but I understood what was expected of someone when they were handed the bong in Melbourne. I wrongly assumed that smoking etiquette was a globally understood language, as I sucked the last of the dusted green through the foot long, freshly cleaned glass bong, I was met with gazes of amazement by my Cheech and Chong brothers. It didn’t take long for me to realize why one does not need to suck the whole cone down himself when dealing with really strong weed, I sat paralyzed while the world zoomed passed me, I could have been sitting on a couch full of infested nails but to me it felt like the most comfortable place in the world. I had a thousand hands all massaging every part of my body, the only problem was that we had to be back at school soon and I had to try and learn American History while feeling like I had just achieved my Buddhist enlightenment. I remember cleary the walk to Alans car, it felt like walking on of those moving sidewalks you find at airports, consistent speed without any work, I was sure I only existed from the waste up. Getting into the car was a little harder; because I literally could not feel my legs, I had to slide my hand along the seat to make sure I was at the right height to sit down. I’m pretty sure everyone knew where I had been when I got back to my American History class simply because I giggled every time I heard the name Sacagawea, and got the munchies when we spoke about General Custer…mmmmm Custard.
I dropped out of my calculus class, it’s strange to realize that as a standard year 10 student in Australia you can go to America take their hardest math class, and then drop it ‘cause it’s too easy, I switched classes to “Strength Training” which is hands down the best class I have taken in all my years of schooling, If you turn up to every class you get an A. The rest of my academic schedule was, English, Photo Journalism and I’m sure there was another one but I can’t remember what.
School went by as school does, Travis and his girlfriend were spending more and more time together which left me to my own vices, it wasn’t long before most of the school knew I had my older brothers old license, fortunately we look very similar and it also said I was 22. This gave me great power, and with great power comes great responsibility. It was my leverage for getting rides home after school when Travis was busy or if I wanted to go hang out somewhere after school. A quick trip to the liquor store and I had a chauffeur for the afternoon. That was, until Theresa found out what I was doing and confiscated the license from me.
I remember one after school trip succinctly; Travis and I drove down to his girlfriend Ashley’s place, they had apparently found a chick they thought was perfect to set me up with. Ashley’s family had a beautiful home, a nice two-story place but all that was down stairs was Ashley’s bedroom, a bathroom and another, living room I guess you’d call it.
It was in Ashley’s bedroom where I met Holly. The three of them sat on Ashley’s bed chatting about whatever, I wondered around Ashley’s room staring blankly at photo’s of that years festivities and posters of her current heartthrobs. My nerves were working overtime, no matter how many times I had watched Cruel Intentions or Stiflers god-like workings in American Pie, nothing had prepared me for this moment, but I somehow knew that Holly was going to be the one. With the grace of a three legged hippo, I slid myself onto the bed next to her, only to trip on a cord for Ashley’s bed side light, landing me squarely on top of Holly, I tried to play it off and started tickling her, this seemed to go down well until her right arm flung wildly in glee and smacked Travis square on the nose. We all sat upright a little shocked by the last 15 seconds happenings, if I could have crossed my fingers any harder or prayed anymore that this wasn’t going to stop my first time I’m sure I would be magic.
Holly grabbed my hand and begun to walk out of the room, and the nerves came rushing back, I don’t know if I was so nervous about what was actually going to happen I mean I knew how things worked, I had done a lot, I mean a lot of research (Dad’s internet bills will attest to that) I was more nervous about afterwards, it was my first time and I was already worried I wasn’t going to be good enough, or what I was going to talk to her about afterwards. We tried to get things started in the downstairs living room but with every noise from the rest of the house (Ashley’s mum and two little sisters were upstairs) my soldier reverted back to the trenches. After fumbling round like a monkey trying to solve a Rubik’s cube Holly took charge, she led me to the downstairs bathroom, turned on the radio and proceeded to give me the best 36 second of my life, then we went at it again, with Shaggy’s “It Wasn’t Me” spurring me on from the radio I went at it like all the stars I’d seen, I was channeling Johnny Holmes, and Ron Jeremy moving with systematic rhythm. Well truth be told it probably looked more like a three year old dancing to drum and bass, but in the end I felt proud of my achievement. There was no awkwardness afterwards, just a grin from ear to ear. I had come to America in search of the infamous high school cheerleading girls with fake titts, Holly was neither a cheerleader or fake tittied, actually she was fairly naturally blessed I think that if she had added any more she’d look a little more like the hunchback of Notre Dam, but I still felt like I had conquered Everest. Now the world really was my oyster…
I didn’t see Holly again after that day, she had asked me to come back and see her a couple of times, but I had tasted manhood and know I wanted to beeline it for the buffet.
I guess losing my virginity that way I can understand why I have had so many one night stands with girls who’s names I don’t even know.
Next was homecoming having never been to a school dance before other than primary school where we weren’t allowed to dance to close to the girls, I was nervous about seeming a fool. I didn’t really have any close girl friends at school, and there wasn’t anyone I was hunting at the time, worked out in my favour though. My friend Josh came to me one day at the end of lunch and told me there was a cute Sophomore girl that still didn’t have a date to homecoming and I should ask her. Through the linoleum foyers we walked through the school cafeteria, around 30 circular tables each surrounded by blue plastic chairs, like the ones you sat in during grade 2. To the right side of the cafeteria was the food, a waist height metal pole led you around a semi circle in front of a number of bay marees bearing the days monstrosities, soggy burgers, cold hot dogs, an interesting version of a taco salad, and a fridge full of “juices”. We came out the other side of the cafeteria into the Sophomore Hall, and not 2 minutes later I was introduced to Amanda Poirier. She is still to this day one of the most beautiful I have ever met in my life, both inside and out, and after a brief introduction and a few words to each other it was decided she would be my homecoming date.
I had to rent a tux for the dance, buy a corsage, and then work out how I was going to get to Amanda’s place to pick her up considering I was about as useful as a one armed trapeze artist with and itchy arse on my own.
I had never rented a tux before so I went the whole shebang, suspenders, cumber bund, vest and bow tie, I didn’t realize at the time your not supposed to wear them all together. I sort of looked like a deli sandwich with all the meats laid on top of each other. It didn’t take many inquisitive looks for me to loose some of the outfit, relax a little and take note of the preparations that had gone into the dance. It was the “homecoming committee” that had completely transformed the school gym into our own little paradise, it was just like it’s shown on the movies, hanging drapes of the schools’ colours covering the walls, glitter and light dancing off the floor and the ceiling, and the silent pause as the homecoming King and Queen took their first dance. I got passed around like condoms at a whorehouse once the floor was open again; I think I danced with every girl in school that night and I’m sure I broke more than one toe.
Amanda and I have stayed friends since then, we actually hardly talk at all anymore but that’s due to my religiously erratic behaviour surrounding contact with friends overseas, but she will always be a shining light in my life. I have actually been back to Sedro-Woolley to stay with her, and her parents have come to Melbourne and stayed at my family’s beach house.

Alright this bit was a little cheesy I admit, but the stories will get better as the tale goes on, I am just stretching out what I can while I can remember it…
Hope your still enjoying all…
Appreciate the comments of everyone, I didn’t think my tales were all that different from everyone elses..


“My fault, my failure, is not in the passions I have, but in my lack of control of them”